When You Feel Like Jesus Is Far Away

I remember being a little girl laying in bed with my babysitter learning how to pray. The first prayer she taught me is a well-known prayer.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. May angels watch me through the night, until I wake the morning light.”

That prayer now sits in my own son’s room above his bed and has much meaning to me but at the time as a little girl I did not realize how much that prayer moved things in my life. There were many nights as a little girl where I was having prophetic dreams and where spiritual warfare was taking place in my bedroom. The prayer protected me then and the prayer protects my family now.

Now as a 27-year-old I find much joy in writing and journaling. For years I have carried a journal in my purse, and I write all day throughout the day. As I look back in my 2020 journal, I realize how pitiful it looks. There are some pages filled out, but the dates are months in between one another. I was spiritually and emotionally exhausted (like most of us were).

As I started to look through the journal, immediately ashamed, I realized though there is not much written there is much declared and many answered prayers. Through these entries I see declaration over my calling, I see dreams of my future, I see prayers for our future home that was not yet in the picture, I see struggles, I see prayers over our country, I see prayers begging for discipline, I see prayers over my anxiety, I see my confessions on being scared to walk in faith, and I see words that have been prophesied and spoken over me. In these entries I am crying out to the Lord to hear my cry and begging him to help me. “Lord help my break my safety net and rely on you.”

In this journal I see consistent writing and praying over the calling I heard the Lord speak into life, not knowing that a few months later a stranger would prophesize the same calling and anointing.

In December, the most heart wrenching sentence I wrote was “In 2020 there was little writing, little fasting, little meditation and not enough time with Jesus.” It broke my heart to end the year this way. I spent time staring at my own handwriting and grieving this sad sentence.

I now look at these words and thank God that when I could not hold on, he took my hand. Like a dad holding a daughter’s bike who is learning how to ride without training wheels but was secretly still there- holding on.

My journal entries in 2020 remind me of my childhood. I was doing nothing. Although I believed in Jesus, I had no relationship with Christ and was very intimidated. YET, God pursued me. He pursued me as a child, and he pursued me in 2020. He came after me. He took my hand. He answered prayers and moved. When I was not strong enough, he took care of everything because we have a good God.

Today I want you to know that you do not have to earn Gods trust. Prayer, Mediation, Bible time and Worshipping are important but, in the moments, you cannot do them or do not even know how to do them Jesus will still come after you. He will still hold you hand. He will still love you. He will still perform miracles in your life. I know this is true because he rescued Mary, a prostitute. He saved the woman at the well. He not only saved but turned Paul, the sinners of all sinners, into one of the most famous theologians. Most importantly I know this is true because he rescued me. A child and woman who turned down the wrong path so many times. I was not worthy to stand in front of the almighty God, yet he left his throne to save my soul. He is doing the same for you.

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