The other night I opened my journal and read my entries from 2020. Unlike the past 3 years this year I found very few and honestly they have been filled with struggle, grief, hardship and worry. It brought tears to my eyes because as the year was flowing I don’t think I realized how hard it was in the time but as I look back I can so clearly see how I was gasping for air. It’s like I’ve been holding on as tight as I can just trying not to let go in fear of falling and living in fear is no way to live.
This blog started stirring in my heart and as it did I realized for the first time it wouldn’t be a blog that had a take away, a lesson or even a conclusion. There wasn’t an end because I didn’t know a way to end it on a positive note. My plan was to open my word document and write about how deep my struggle has been. It felt sad and hopeless. I sat and still currently sit in confusion, financial instability, temptation, and anxiety. I’ve spent most of my year begging God to let me hear his voice. I just missed that sweet calming deep voice that I normally hear but in the year of 2020, he has felt so extremely far away. That is until the other night.
I was talking to God about my purpose, begging him in fact, to bring my calling to life. My eyes were filled with tears when I heard so clearly that deep calming beautiful voice say, “Not now my child,”. I leave a common in that sentence because it didn’t feel like God put a period. It felt like he put a comma. He was saying “Not now my child,” and he meant now right now but there will be a time when I will open the gates of heaven into your life and this will come into play. I feel so deeply that he wants me to be ready for it.
Fast forward a week and I am right here in this moment holding onto that sentence so firmly because it feels like a promise that sits upon a rock. It is a promise I know and believe will come to pass. As I sit here still confused and still waiting on a something to fill this page I am writing on I have a revelation that completely shatters me in the best way because I haven’t had a revelation in 2020. I’ve had a lot of prayers come to life this year and I am so thankful for that but as a devote follower of Jesus to not hear his voice and to not have a revelation or a breakthrough just breaks my heart.
So, here it is, I believe that God wants me to feel uncomfortable. He is ripping my safety net away from me. He is forcing me out of my comfort zone because he needs me to grow and stretch. And let me tell you, it hurts. God will put you in situations that will press you (2 Corinthians 4:8) but the enemy will come in and make you feel crushed. When you are in the moment of growth with God the spiritual warfare is strong, and it feels every lasting. I believe that this year many of us are in this moment. I believe it is more than me just feeling this way and I believe that there is going to be a massive breakthrough in the spiritual world, and we are going to be taken to the next level with Jesus.
In my footnotes of my Bible I was reading that your walk with Jesus is like walking through a mountain range. Sometimes we are at the top and it feels glorious. Other times we are in the valley where we feel hopeless because we cannot see the beauty that we can see on top of the mountain. They key take away here is no matter what your placement God is with you. He isn’t sitting on the mountaintop waving from afar telling you to hurry up. No, he is walking with you side by side. He is the ultimate hiking buddy that will never leave you. And as an avid hiker I can tell you that being in the valley is hard. You get drained. You need breaks. You must pace yourself. But when you get to the top it is a celebration.
Every time I hike, I leave changed. I know that sounds dramatic, but I can’t look at a view that God created so intentionally and not feel different. It is not in my bones. The same goes for the Christian walk we are in. The bottom and the top of the mountain will change us in different ways. I am faithful but I have felt hopeless this year. I am learning that life cannot always be the mountain top view because it would be to easy and we would never grow. As you read this just know that only God could have given me this message and I believe it is for you. If I were in charge this message would have no takeaway. It would be a sad message. But God came in and gave me a glimpse of hope so I could share his truth.