Updated: Feb 19, 2020
I finally did it. I finally told the social media world that I was writing a book. Wow. Terrifying.
My close friends have known forever, but I’ve kept it from the internet because I didn’t want the noise of the world to tell me what to write about. I didn’t want an opportunity for fear to be inserted. I wanted to be far enough along in the process that there was no turning back. I wanted to be SURE that my story was meant to be told in book format.
Now, I am sure. In fact I have never been more sure about anything. I have had confirmation after confirmation. People have fallen into place in my life to help me publish this book.
It’s honestly been a wild ride. It started off with my journal. I would write all of my deep emotions. The type of emotions that you can’t bring yourself to say out loud. The type of emotion that you’re not sure you want the world to know or hear.
When I had filled up an entire journal I heard God tell me that I needed to turn my journal into a book. I felt in my soul that it was the path he wanted me to take.
Sure enough I began CRAVING my writing time. I would write and experience a million different emotions. I never knew if I was going to be mad, or happy, or bitter, or reckless, or upset. There were a million moments when I would find myself laughing hysterically at my writing, and there were a million moments where I would find tears running down my face. I needed that moment to write and release. It fueled me. It helped me to cope. It helped me let things go.
There were countless times where I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I felt like my writing wasn’t good enough. There were times when I told myself that I wasn’t good enough. In those moments I kept hearing “God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called.”
That hit me the most.
I truly felt and still feel like God is calling me to do this project. If it were up to me alone I would fail. I can barely spell, I never understood grammar, I made C’s on all my college papers. My English Professor called me in her office once to have an “ethical discussion” because I was writing about things I “shouldn’t be writing about”. I shut down after that, and started writing about things that people wanted to me write about. I never dreamt that I would be a writer, pushing out blogs and now pushing out a book, but here I am. 50,000 words deep into a book that I felt in my soul I needed to get out.
I quickly realized that it wasn’t up to me to decide if my writing was good enough or not and it isn’t up to me to figure out who’s hands it gets into. I now realize that all I need to do was get my story out there, and whoever is supposed to read it will read it.
Maybe this sounds glamorous, but it’s not all that I pictured it to me. I honestly pictured my life being like Carrie Bradshaw, but man now I am realizing that my heart will soon be on a platter for the world to see. I’m terrified of the rejection I know I will get from some. But I also know the support I’ve already received and it’s been amazing.
So here I am, after many nights that consisted of me behind a keyboard writing away with a pint of Ben and Jerrys I can finally see my words and my story coming to life.