Out with the old in with the... change.
Can I be honest about something? I HATE change. I hate when big seasons of life end. I hate when people move on. I hate having to let things go.
I usually pretend like it isnt even happening. Some people would call that denial...and those people are correct. It is denial. It's me saying- maybe if I numb myself and pretend like this isnt happening then I wont have to deal with it. I wont have to be happy, or sad, or grieve, and I wont have to face my feelings... for now at least.
But, that's the thing about feelings, in the end they always have a way of surfacing.
When I was a little girl I never cried. Ever. It was strange. About once a month or about every month and a half I would get sick (weak immune system). My mom knew I was getting sick before the sickness even hit because I would start BAWLING. Something would trigger me, and tears would start pouring down my face. As I was crying I would talk about everything that had bothered me the past month. Things that didnt even matter anymore! I would let it ALL out.
I. Would. Explode.
Afterwords I felt so much better. Refreshed. It was nice finally letting go of things I didnt even know bothered me in the first place. It was like I held onto everything and it was all bound tightly inside of me. After the tears I would usually spike a fever and the sickness would come.
Now as an adult I try to do a better job of pinpointing moments that I think bother me before I let them build too much, but man is it hard.
I think change is one of them. I think change bothers me. I'm not scared to travel, or be alone, or put my heart on a platter. I'm not scared to bring new friends into my life, or try new things. Those changes dont bother me. Those are easy. But changes that inquiry a shift in a season of life do not sit well with me. I hold onto them for way too long.
As small as this sounds I was hesitant on releasing my new website. I wanted to keep it all to myself. By releasing it to the world it meant I had to release new writing. Writing that will allow people into my heart a little bit more. A new website meant that I was letting go of my old blog. That blog was a piece of me. It went with me as I was a travel consultant, it lived with me while I was living alone in Philly, it was with me when my parents split, it was with me when I got engaged, it was with me when that engagement ended, it was there when I felt the Holy Spirit move in my life, and it was there during THREE huge career changes.
Sure some would say it's just an old blog, but cant you see it's so much more? My writing evolved with that blog. My writing changed with that blog. While sitting behind that screen pressing the keys one by one I found my best self.
I cried. I laughed. I mourned. I learned. And I grew. All from that small silly little blog.
I know it's time to move on. There are things waiting for me in the future. There are plans that I NEVER dreamt of unfolding infront of my eyes. This new website is going to be the platform for that. The new website will now get my laughter, and my tears. I will learn with the new website. I will have revelations through my writing with this new website. And I will release one of the biggest projects in my entire life onto this new website.
Maybe I'm not scared of change. Maybe I just see how quickly seasons of our life pass by. Maybe I love so deeply that I even fall in love with the small moments. My heart gets poured into these moments and I leave such a big piece of myself in each moment I encounter. Maybe it's just me taking a moment to recognize that the season is passing, and something new is coming.